“Beta, guests will be here in an hour. Go and bring Paneer from the nearby Dairy. I have to prepare lunch.” This is what my Mumma said last week, and I was completely shocked and terrified by the thought. Immediately, my smile turned into a frown, my mind started overthinking at the speed of light. Everything was calm and peaceful a moment ago, and now, everything’s a disaster. OMG! Whyyyy! Just whyyyy! 😟

Guests are coming! That means I have to speak to them! And, I have to bring paneer, so I have to drive, what if the scooty stops midway? What if I have an accident? Also, I have to TALK to the shopkeeper, what if he asks me something, what if he doesn’t have Paneer? Do I know any other shops then? What if this happens, what if that happens etc etc. And, my mind is such a monster, it helped me further by presenting a complete visual of what all bad things can happen, I saw myself falling from the scooty, lying there unconscious, nobody coming to help me. Oh God, I was scared to death. πŸ˜†

Somewhere, I kept praying that it should rain, so that I am saved from doing this ‘Mission Impossible’. Or that the scooty doesn’t start somehow. Or that the guests call and say that they’re not coming, yayy! But, none of this happened. I kept lamenting for some 30 minutes about why these kind of difficult tasks are always given to me! πŸ™

Then, knowing there wasn’t anyone else in the house, I still said to her, “Mumma, I don’t want to go out. Please send someone else na.”Β I was literally crying and screaming in my head. Why me! Why me! Why meee! She read my expressions, and this is what she said. I didn’t know how to dodge this logic huh.
“Little girls these days drive around the entire city, and you never even step out of the house. How else will you learn then? Go out sometime, you will learn lots of new things.”

But, I don’t know, the thought of stepping out of the house alone is enough to scare me. I cannot function spontaneously like that. You need to tell me beforehand so that I am already prepared for what’s going to come next. Sudden changes scare me a lot. Do din pehle se bataa ke rakhho na mujhe ki Paneer leke aana hai Sunday ko. 😹

Then, whatever, unwillingly, I did what she said, and yes, everything went well. I brought the Paneer, I didn’t fall, it didn’t rain too. πŸ˜‚ I was so happy at my achievement! And I even spoke well to the guests. So, that day, I was just so confused why my mind always says NO to everything, why does it complicate things and gets more focused on the negative side, even when they are very easy tasks.

For example, if I have an exam tomorrow, I would have a box full of pens, cause what if some of those pens ditch me huh? I don’t want to ask anyone else to help me out. 😹 So, I carry an extraaa of everything everywhere. It just makes me anxious to find myself in a helpless condition. And asking someone for help is so difficult, embarrassing mostly. πŸ˜›

I don’t know what this is, or why this happens, but, it just feels like some kind of insecurity or fear. I want to be prepared for everything. My mind always looks for the worst that could happen to me in any condition, and makes plans accordingly. I cannot bear to find myself in a vulnerable condition. Being prepared is good, yet, I am still learning to focus on the positive side of things.

Has anything like this ever happened to you, where something scared you to death, but you still gathered all your courage and did it? Do share in the comments section. Thankyou!

-Firefly πŸ€“